She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
