I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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