I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
