I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
