The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
