i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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