NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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