I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
