fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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