i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
