When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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