I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
