apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
