Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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