A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize