ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
