a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
