We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Sober January is a disaster.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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