she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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