is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
