she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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