I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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