Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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