I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
