2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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