no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
