I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
