I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
