I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
