I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
