when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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