How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
