i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
