jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
