based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
