Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
