So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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