im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the condom got lost in my hair
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
