and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
