I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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