So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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