Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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