My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
