I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
