I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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