I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
