Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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