I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
