At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
