____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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