just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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