it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
