you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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