I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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