And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize