Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I had to cum in my sink.
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