Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
