is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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