I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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