im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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