I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
