i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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