he thought i was a dude.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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