she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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