So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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